Why Knitting Isn't Funny

Sunrise, I'm still knitting. Blood, sweat and tears; I'm still knitting. Still knitting when it's Monday. Still knitting when it's Tuesday. Still knitting today. Still knitting today. Still knitting and knitting and churning and churning. I look up, and next thing I know I have a loser on my hands.

Kiss me; shake me. Maybe I'm going to fry in some sort of nasty place when I'm gone, but I'm going to admit it: Knitting isn't funny and it will never be funny, I want it to be funny but there's nothing--no way funny about it. It just ain't so. Just like Jesus or maybe Buddah wouldn't tell a real gut-busting joke. Sure, we'd laugh like all get out, but that would be more out of respect than the type of elbow jabbing action we really want when it comes to "funny."

Knitting, like religion or a good Spa Day, isn't funny. It isn't funny like a pap smear isn't funny. Heck, a mammogram can be funny, but a pap can't be funny. If you've ever done both in a span of a year or so, you'll know which is the better of the two, and if you're under age, just brace yourself for this one:

You know the joke, "Hey lady," says the gyno-doctor, "Wow, you sure have a large vagina!. . . You sure have a large vagina!"

So the lady lays there for a second or two and blinks a few times, looking up at the poster on the ceiling there, the one that has the special effect thingy, allowing you to blur your eyes just a bit and see the Space Needle. Anyway, the lady lays there for a second or two, and takes a deep breath and hisses: "Yeah, I know I have a big vagina, but you didn't have to say it twice!"

So, the doctor pushes down the paper, stands up a bit, and gives her a meaning look and announces: "I didn't say it twice, ma'am; it was an echo."

Yeah, well, knitting isn't as funny as this, let me tell you. At least in my estimation. Mom used to love this joke so I told it here. It isn't my normal thingy, so be upset if you are. But if I tried to tell you a knitting joke, I have a feeling it wouldn't be as funny.

So, as an experiment, try this one on for size:

A woman is knitting frantically while driving, trying to complete a garment. She exceeds the speed limit, swerves a bit, and is pursued by a police car. She doesn't respond. The policeman finally pulls out his bullhorn and yells:

"Hey lady! Pull over!"

The lady thinks for a moment, raises her eyebrows in that "knitting-knowing way," throws down her knitting, and rolls down her window. She swings her left arm out the window waving as if requesting silence, and yells at the top of her lungs: "No sirree, Bob!: You got this one wrong! It's a cardigan! And it has cables, too!"

Ugh. (If this is the sort of humor we have to look forward to when it comes to knitting I'm just going to resort to my own kind. It's called: "I have another loser on my hands and friends, I've cranked out enough groaners to fill a boat carrying thirty zillion pounds of pap smear materials, and that isn't funny at all.)

Thank me. Thank me now. Because I'm putting it out of its misery and I've asked for another couple weeks on the last of the patterns. I promised I wouldn't try to sell you a load of goods and I won't. (But I will admit, I haven't yanked this one yet...Just in case.)

Comments

[sprite]

{Wendy}

Now that you have the extension, get some sleep. Maybe it'll seem funnier in the morning.

[Sarah]

Honestly, it`s not looking that bad. It`s cute in a funky German Heidi vest kind of way.

[wendy]

heh heh. German Heidi: That is what i was going for. Problem is, the the silk and cotton doesn't hang right and you pretty much want to faint from the heat the garment creates.

[Lara]

But, at least you have a sense of humor about it, right? You just can't beat those pictures! I agree the garment doesn't look bad...unique and up my alley but I guess the yarn is the main factor and only you can understand that as the designer.

[wendy]

Yeah, the yarn is crap for this sort of thing and I'm already on the move for a sub.

[Cristina]

sooo, is that neighbor still spying on you?? this would be a good day to if she is...haa haa..

[alena]

you are a riot! knitting isn't funny but you are making it very much so! i am 7 months pregnant and can't sleep and i am here laughing-- thanks wendy!
ps did anyone see that inane article in vanity fair a month ago about how women aren't funny? guess the writer isn't hanging out here..

[becky]

mucho excellent pix- here is what I'm thinking when I saw them- especially with the mask. It's the Arch Evil Villian Vest- there could be a complementing superhero knit-the kids would love it. Except the smelly hotter than Hades part but then they could be told- it's not easy being the villian.

[Debbie]

at least you got out into the sunlight. If your neighbor is still spying on you, she now doesn't know what to think!

[AmyH]

Aw, Wendy, I'm sorry.
I just have to wonder what your neighbor was thinking about during that photo shoot.

[Kirsten]

Priceless photos though. At least they are keepers.
That bag face is just so sad, with the carrot placed like an ugly slash across the eye. . .

[Rhonda]

I admire someone who cannot only admit to one's mistakes but also put it in pictures [altho you're in disguise] -- right out there for the world to see. And frankly, it's probably the yarn that's the problem. Really. You're right. Take a break.

[Miz Booshay]

Yes. The photos.
There's the humor :o)

Knitting jokes must be a sight gag, I think.

I also think that is my first vagina joke.
Pretty funny.

Do you think you will take a break from knitting when you are done with your project...like never knit again?

[Susan Ator]

Firstly, I just recently discovered your blog and spent the last 3-4 days at work reading from the very beginning. Yeah, I have a great job ;) You are now, officially, the bright spot in my day.

Secondly, please try this again with a different yarn. I really like what you have so far. I dunno. Maybe it's just me!

[Jennifer]

The Unknown Knitter..Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I'll be here all week! ;-) Well, the project doesn't do it for me--it doesn't seem to enhance anything upstairs. But I can't really criticize any designer who takes her job so seriously. You take good care of us, protecting us from the not-so-great. Thank you!

[Jo Ann]

Sometimes humor directed at ourselves is the funniest, it's just harder for us to appreciate.

Yours is one of my favorite blogs. I've been lurking for a long time now, more than a year, since I first started knitting. Cut yourself a break.

And I have lots of sympathy for the Vertigo. I have what is called "abdominal migraines" or atypical migraine or migraine variant. Long story short, I get all of the symptoms minus the headache. While that may sound like fun, I spend a large portion of my life puking violently and nothing will stop it because it's 'in my head' and not in my belly. It's like constant motion sickness, or morning sickness. So I can relate.

So, give yourself a breather. Everything will be okay.

Jo Ann in New York City

[amanda]

Thanks for your integrity! Too many pattern books look like they just threw in the towel on that last stretch.

[Elizabeth M.]

I, too, was imagining the spying neighbor wondering what the he!! was going on in your backyard!

Someday it will all seem funny! It might take a few years, but you'll look back on that loser and laugh. Really.

[Teresa]

In the dawn of time, cavemen sought to be warm. So, they developed a way to make fire by frantically rubbing to sticks together. Their wives did the same thing, but made sweaters.

I'd like to think I'm somewhat funny. I even made a knitting cartoon. :D

[wendee]

Can I borrow your bag-mask? I've got a groaner too! Of course dancing around in my muddy, grassless backyard would really be the kicker... Love the pics!

[Jennifer]

Knitting isn't funny, but knitters are.

Good luck and I'm glad you got an extension. I'm sure the publisher knows it will be worth the wait. I know it will be.

[Ruth]

I'm sure your neighbour thinks knitting is funny. Or something. Good luck with the next iteration!

[Tammy]

You're right, knitting isn't funny. It can make me happy, crazy, cranky and obsessed... but I don't think it ever makes me laugh.

But your pictures... they're funny! Thanks for the laugh.

[Janet]

Wendy, you crack me up!

Also, maybe it's because I'm 25 and still prone to liking occasionally bad fashion, but I have to tell you that I kind of like the "Loser" - at least on you. Maybe add some short sleeves?

[beth]

I love that yarn!