The Knitter's Blotter

March, 2007 to Current: 67-year old Suspect and knitting designer's/Victim's FIL, acts really, really excited about a new book of patterns from the DIL, yet keeps asking when the sweaters will be available in stores. Charges are pending and will remain on file at least until 2010, 2022 or beyond. (Husband, his son, will be reminded of the infraction on a daily basis for a not-yet-determined period, or until FIL "gets it.")

September 21st, 2007: Two Suspects were caught rubbing another patron's set-aside Crystal Palace yarn on their cheeks when Victim was continuing shopping in the store. Caught red handed, one female, 46 years old and another, approximately five years older than that, when caught, pretended to smell it instead. No formal charges were filed. (Said Victim took the high road and bought the sullied yarn, yet plans on laundering it before knitting with it. Charges could not be brought; one Suspect was the shop owner.)

September 25th, 2007: Victim designer receives ugly email. The Suspect/writer, age and gender unknown, says that they don't understand the Free pattern that's available on the Victim's blog and they have many questions because so many things just "aren't right" or aren't written correctly. Victim reads the email, but there are no questions in it. Said Victim is still waiting patiently for questions to answer.

September 26th, 2007: Female Suspect, aged 50 and smelling of cigarette smoke and patchouli approaches Victim, female 44, in the yoga joint and says "Hey, I hear that knitting is the new 'yoga.'" The Victim throws up a little in her mouth, and then swallows quietly.

September 27th, 2007: One female Suspect, 52 years old and a mother of several, was overheard speaking in the general direction of a said "new" designer/Victim with a book coming out: "Jeez! Everyone and their mother has a book coming out!" And when asked directly if the Suspect/Perpetrator has a book coming out of her own, she replied with: "Nope."

If you want to submit your own Knitter's Line--Do NOT Cross "Knitter's Blotter" infraction or two, please do! Just send it to the email address you see on your upper right hand corner. I plan on compiling the best ones regularly (or semi-regularly) for all to see. If you want to, add your blog address or email address, so I can list it.

I'm doing this because, well, I'm not a complainer, but I do like to complain, just a little, and it's a good thing if you guys can act as my beard.

BTW: Lot's of stuff going on. I have two patterns coming out with Yarn Forward, a UK publication (the Winter and the Spring), and there's a Spring thing going on at KnitScene. I also finished Chuck's rag quilt. He loves it. This thing went really quickly, much quicker than the last one. I think the leather gloves kept things running smoothly while I clipped it. No blisters!

Comments

[Diane]

Hehe at no. 1

Everyone who I share the I'm-a-designer news with automatically assumes I'm selling knitwear. I have a small suspicion that they think I'm taking the mug's way out by letting other people do the 'hard' bit.

[mary]

delurking to say "this is hilarious". thank you so much for starting my day out with a laugh. I really like your designs, too, and downloaded the flame scarf for girlfriend christmas gifts. Can't wait to see more of your work - again, thank you!

[sophanne]

Excellent. So when are the sweaters going to be in stores?

[Debbie]

great idea for a post.

Hum, maybe I should be working on a book! Nahhhhh

[gay]

i love that chuck can't stay off your raggy quilts. makes me want to make one for my two dogs but wait i have a million things lined up to knit so maybe not. love your headlines and i have a great one for you as soon as i get the cance i'll compose and email it to you for your new spot. people can be so ridiculous.

[gay]

ps maybe it's all in the terminology how about designer of knitting patterns or designer of patterns for you to knit for the ones who really don't get it! nah probably wouldn't work any better.

[Lesley]

I'm so shocked that you were victim to itinerant yarn rubbers - whilst you were in the vicinity.
My only gripe against non-knitters/ stitchers (so far) is the patronising way my S-I-L thanked me for her 'sweet' 'home-made' 'apron' that she 'might use for painting at school' - excuse me love, that's a one-off, designer, original, I'll have you know. Phew, that's better!

[beth]

re #4 - the yoga ambush: what a stroke of genious. I'll chuckle about that one all day. Thanks!

[Janine]

Congrats on the Yarn Forward designs - I'm doing one too :-)
As for stories I still think the best one I have encountered was the collegue who was wearing a really lovely scarf - I was allowed to fondle it and asked if it was alpaca, she looked at me as if I was the lowest of the low and to be pitied for my lack of knowledge and said "No! Ted Baker!" sigh we knitters are so misunderstood.

[Debbie]

You have a lot going on for the future. That's great! Chuck and his quilt, for me, is the star of the post! Head pat!

[lori]

Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh!
The ones that always get me are friend or other assorted people who appreciate the knits that I make but don't have any clue how much goes into them. I have one friend who is CONSTANTLY telling me "You should sell those (cabled sweater, whatever) in stores! You could easily make a bunch of them!" Or, she'll call me and tell me about something (eg. very fine gauge baby sweaters) she saw somewhere "You could totally make those and sell them" meanwhile I"m imagining going blind and/or crazy from the mind numbing teeny tiny stitches.

[Amy]

Yay! Those were most definitely my morning pick-me-up. I have one for you:

14 August 2007: Victim finds coworker slumped over victim's knitting. Coworker exclaims, “Look! I did it! I figured out how to knit!” (at this point victim's heart stops) She has added “stitches” (Using this term very loosely), dropped stitches, slipped stitches and has basically created a mess. Coworker scurries off to her break right after saying this, leaving the victim to weep as she tries to figure out what happened to her perfect little strip of color.

[JulieT]

This is a brilliant idea, and very funny... excellent work. And congratulations on the new patterns coming out.

Sometime in 2000: The victim's husbeast, in an attempt to be helpful, takes a pure wool, hand-knit blanket out of the washer and PUTS IT IN THE DRYER. It is now a pot holder.

[kelly]

Awww. Look how snuggled up he is with his new blankie! I love the crime blotter! Keep it up!

[Mama-E]

How about the response..."Oh everyone does have a book coming out. Who is your publisher??"

[Michelle]

Amy -- she invited herself to knit ON YOUR WIP? I think my heart stopped too when I read that...

My only contribution to the blotter, Wendy, is something from a year ago...

Victim knitter, early 20s female, is quietly knitting in her office. Suspect, Annoying Summer Intern, stops by and says "Hey Victim, I'm sorry I missed your 75th birthday party, how was it?" When greeted by a blank stare from Victim, Suspect proceeds to clarify: "Your 75th birthday? You know? Because you're knitting? Like an old person?"

[Kathleen]

Chuck is so cute! I was knitting some socks the other day and this guy said "I didn't know anyone still did things like that"!!!!

[MX]

Thanks for the laughs!!!

[Katherine]

I would like to have a word with the person who complained about your pattern not being "right"! I have used a bunch of your patterns and they were all easy to follow, with clear instructions. This person obviously doesn't know how to read a pattern! I say "pssssh" to them.

[Amber]

I've got one coming out in YarnForward too for the winter, can't wait to see yours! :)

[technikat]

I love the fabric that you chose for Chuck's quilt. The colors and the theme are sooo perfect!

[Niente Zero]

December 2006: Victim is stuck at in-laws enduring Christmas Stay from Hell. Only way for victim to stay sane is to knit.

Perpertrator repeatedly interrupts victim's quiet knitting time to complain that victim is being productive and making everyone else look bad for sitting around and digesting.

This case almost lead to justifiable homicide. It's a bad idea to repeatedly taunt a woman holding an effective garotte.

[nants]

Glad to see you post, always miss your words of wit and wisdom. Love your police (knitter's) blotter, what a great way to vent some frustration. Not to mention entertaining as all get out for us. You do get us to smiling, dear Wendy! Must get my small Wee here to help me concoct our own from our vast experiences. Oh, we could fill that blotter. I did worry for a moment if the patchouli/smoke woman might be me, but I'm on the opposite coast. I make my own scent of patchouli, sandalwood and sweet orange oil, and always feel pleased when people notice and tell me how good it smells. They never mention the tabacco/smoke, though, bet it cuts right thru the good stuff. Whoops, I'm rambling on again....just wanted to say, thanks for the chuckles, giggles and smiles.

[robinv]

thanks for lighting up an office space day full of check processing and invoices! You are a delight!

[clarabelle]

Ugghh... all these knitting haters/misunderstanders/total bores. Perhaps you should just conform to the stereotype, Wendy duckie (you know, greying frizz-hair, half-moon specs, fireside rocking chair, cackling laugh), then you'll get left alone to do your thang? But oops, then we wouldn't have these funny posts to read....